Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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