Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
