Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
