apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
