you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They have beer where we have blood.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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