Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
