The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
