The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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