i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
