Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
