You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
