I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
