ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
