you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
