Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
