it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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