The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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