i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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