I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
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