and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
