Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
