sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
