So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
