My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
me + whiskey = a bad person
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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