Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
