I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
