WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
