One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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