and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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