omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
