he thought i was a dude.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
