don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
