Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
