I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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