My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
