I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
