I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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