the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
