I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
