wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
