I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
