i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
