Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
