i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
