Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
