Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
