Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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