I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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