A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
