At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
