I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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