to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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