Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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