If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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