This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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