He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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