i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
