I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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