Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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