was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
